Work and Worry

When I'm in the shower in the morning before work, I allow myself to think about all the things I have to do once I get to work. (The shower is the only place I permit my brain to dwell on work-related issues in order to avoid hatred of my life beyond work, which is a disease that I'm genetically susceptible to). This means that when I get to work, I'm ready to divide and conquer, and I usually manage great productivity and focus. Until about noon or so. After I eat lunch, I find the urge to run screaming from the building much stronger, as if the meager nourishment of my packed sandwich and banana have given my brain the fuel to get ridiculously bored and subsequently panic for fear that my life is floating by without my doing anything to stop it.

And so I work and worry...and wonder. Would it be so bad if I were doing something I enjoyed? I mean, I don't freak out so much when people just leave me to accomplish my to-do list, it's when they start asking for assistance and favors that I really start to get rattled. Maybe if I just worked with more people that I respected? I've come to realize that respect is a big deal to me, and you really have to give it to get it from me. I know, I know...standards too high...this is a perpetual problem for perfectionist me; I expect a lot from myself, so I expect a lot from others too. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of different things. I just don't know.

It's afternoon right now, don't you know, and so I'm naturally worried. It's rainy outside and so I'm a little sad on top of my usual anxiety. With this, though, is the specific concern that my dog is going to die. (Whoa! That came out of no where, didn't it)?! My dog is old -- will be 17 in just over a week, and she is mostly deaf and somewhat blind. A few days ago, she suffered some mystery problem (stroke? fall from parents' bed?) and now can not walk -- she can sort of hobble, but it's like half of her body isn't responding how she wants it to. She still has an appetite and has been bathroom-ing mostly normally (except that someone has to carry her to the grass and set her down in it), and she hasn't been crying in pain. I don't know enough about dog strokes other than that they can have them, and the only other thing internet research can point me to is that she may have slipped a disk in her back because, as a Shih-tzu, she's a long-back-short-legs dog and they get back problems sometimes, especially with age and/or trauma. But what can the vet really do, you know? We have an appointment after work tonight, but what are they going to say -- I can't imagine she could have surgery of any kind...she's old and seems even skinnier than ever (she's always been a thing dog). Are they just going to say "sorry, we have to euthanize your dog?" I guess she could have a brain tumor -- maybe that's why her barking habits changed lately, too...but she just doesn't seem to be suffering. Dogs suffer worse than cats, don't they? They yelp and cry with pain while cats are more stoic (I've read this, at least, and have had some sick cats in recent years)? Ugh, too many questions...too much worry. I've said goodbye to so many people and creature friends in the past few months/years, that I just don't know if I'm ready yet again.